I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
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Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I don’t get marriage
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”