What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
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Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.