[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
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When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM