I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
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WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
the three branches of government
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.