Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
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ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.