I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

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The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.


Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.


[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.


“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center


You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.


*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u


I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.


Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’


After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.


My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.