@tayandmae

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

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@WheelTod

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

@JediGigi

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

@D2BMcG

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

@MrJeberling

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

@BacklineNurse

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

@MichaelJErhart

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

@UncleDuke1969

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

@OneFunnyMummy

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

@Writepop

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.