I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
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ok like just. call me at this point
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
my proudest tweet
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal