I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
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midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath