[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
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I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Hotels are back
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.