I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
You Might Also Like
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.