Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
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Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
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Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs