Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
You Might Also Like
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.