The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.