Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
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I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Very good! 👍😂
Human are so complicated
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”