It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
You Might Also Like
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Noah was an idiot.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
NASA has no chill
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.