If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
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Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.