HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
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I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’