I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Great Canadian literature.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this