how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
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librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
My beach vacation Google searches
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER