The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
translated into Canadian
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Meme Monday.
inside you are two wolves
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.