this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
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Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.