Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
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5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
bros in the example zone 😭
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
making my dog give me my pills
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.