The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
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The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
#gardening
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me: