‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
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The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
water it, i dare you
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken