*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
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ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.