the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
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If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.