Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
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I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.