Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
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Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them