Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
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I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties