[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
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If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
What personal space?
My dog
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that