Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
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“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings