[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
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Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what