*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
You Might Also Like
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know