Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
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My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Kermit goes Blue.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.