I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
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God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Holy moly
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Who does Amazon think I am?
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet