autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
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Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Cool shirt 🙂
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.