witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
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*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.