Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
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You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I already tried new things thanks.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.