the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
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Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Webb. James Webb.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.