Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
You Might Also Like
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
anyone else like Italian cereal
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down