CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
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The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA