hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
You Might Also Like
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
you gotta be faster
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”