Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
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Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I would move hell over six inches for you
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Pretty much! 😂👀
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.