Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
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*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
(more comics:
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.