It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
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As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*