*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
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[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
This has made my week.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.