I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
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still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Two types of dogs.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I’m sorry…what?
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Life is a suicide mission.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.