Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
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Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Bloody internet 😳
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
That’s easy for you to say
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move