when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
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Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Fiction has to make sense.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I need better friends
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”