I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
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At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
White Castle for the Win
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
This guy gets it.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]