white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
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First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.